


Bring the Inside Out

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abduction, Child Abuse, Depression, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, but i swear youll love it, its really depressing, yeah this kinda messed up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You wouldn't want to be the reason One Direction broke up. Would you, Harry?"</p><p>Or</p><p>The fanfic where Harry's life has been complete hell and can't tell anyone about it.</p><p>(TRIGGER WARNING)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bring the Inside Out

Harry hated himself. A lot. He hated himself for faking, lying, and not knowing how to end the vicious cycle of smile, sing, blood.

Blood was the only thing he could control. It was the only constant as it ran through his veins and every time he needed to feel grounded, he bled, but even the breaking of his skin had become an unmanageable addiction. 

Inside he was screaming. Internally fighting, but if you looked at him from the outside all you could see was a confident, young pop star. Even to his band mates he was the one that was happy all the time. Didn’t someone once say that the biggest smiles hide the biggest lies?

He hated himself for being able to easily create a mask. He hated how he could lie to the people he loves and not even blink.

He had to though. He had to not blink. Because the moment he slipped up, it would be his fault for hurting the band. It would be his fault for hurting others. It would be his fault for hurting Louis.

Louis.

The boy he loved more than anything, but was never loved back. Louis will always see Harry as a brother. Why would Harry expect anything different? He couldn’t possibly think he deserved something as special as Louis’s love.

He wondered if the saying “the eyes are the gateway to the soul” was true, because if anyone dared to look him dead in the eye, they could see how broken his soul was becoming.

Harry doesn’t remember not feeling this way. He has vivid memories as a child being told that he wasn’t worth it. 

He was constantly told and believed that he was the one who killed his mother, as she died giving birth to him. His father was devastated, and finding someone to blame seemed to be the best solution. 

Harry didn’t question it, but accepted it, growing up with the overwhelming guilt.

Every day his father came home drunk and when he beat him down Harry was convinced that he deserved it.

That hasn’t happened for a couple years, because of the band, but the amount of physical pain he was feeling had gotten worse not better. 

He first replaced slaps with blades. Then punches with bruises. And finally kicks with knives.  
It was scary how he had gotten to the point where only the knife was enough. 

He concentrated the sharp pain on his stomach, hips, and thighs. If he cut on his arms, he would get caught. 

Harry didn’t want to be caught.

No matter how dark his thoughts grew in the middle of the night and how deep his knife would go, Harry refused to get help.

He was fine.

He refused to break anyone’s bubble of happiness. It was his fault he wasn’t good enough, and it was his fault if anyone ended up unhappy.

So the day after their last concert for the tour Harry put on a smiling face. It was so forced, but the only one he’s ever shown, so people believed it was real.

Everyone was so excited. Management had decided to give the boys a month break. 

Usually Harry would be at least fine with that, but everyone was suddenly proposing to take this break alone and Harry slowly realised that this meant he would be alone with his thoughts for a month.

He would have no distractions for himself. 

Harry breathing started to pick up rapidly and his hands started shaking.

“You okay Hazza?” Louis looked at Harry. His brows turned slightly down in concern. 

Looking around the room, he saw that everyone else that had glowing eyes and smiling faces slowly started to dim. 

He quickly sat on his hands and steadied his breathing, plastering a huge smile on his face.

“Why wouldn’t I be, Lou?” His voice sounded so normal Harry wanted to cry. 

“I don’t know, but I finally get to go home!” Louis turned away from him and the concern vanished as quickly as it had come.

“We should all go home.” Liam suggested with a smile and that caused Harry’s heart to stop.

He could not go home. Ever.

“Actually.” He interrupted Liam. What was he doing? He never interrupted anyone. Ever. “I think I’m going to stay here, at my flat. Work on some new songs.”

Everyone looked at him a bit oddly, but mostly out of confusion.  
“You don’t want to visit your family Harry? After more than a year?” Louis asked. He looked very confused, but Harry quickly acted as if it was no big deal.

“Of course I do, and I will. I just want to stay here for the first half of the month.” He lied. He just knew that if he could stay now, he wouldn’t be forced to leave later.

Jack, the head of their management, smiled at Harry’s statement with a hint of a smirk, Harry found it odd, but passed it off as something that wasn’t really there. He always sees things anyways.

A few more minutes passed with the boys talking about the excitement they had to reunite with their families, then they left to go pack for their flights tomorrow.

Harry was finding it harder and harder to keep the smile stuck to his face.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how I'm going to have this play out, but if you like it please tell me what you think!
> 
> Follow and/or message me on tumblr at keep1direction.tumblr.com if you have any questions, suggestions, or concerns for me. My inbox is always open.


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